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You are currently reading the orientation of a series of posts titled “Lessons in Liberalism.” You can also View the others: Orientation, #1, #2, #3, #4, #5.

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Introductions

Welcome students. I applaud you for taking the time to come to class today so that you can learn the basics of being a liberal. Once you have fully grasped the ideals behind the liberal cult, I mean, movement, you will have the knowledge that will allow you to grab a hold of your dreams and take on any conservative full force. You will hear new ideas that may scare you but I urge you to stick with me through this next week or so.

Lessons outline

Lesson #1: The Foundation of a Liberal

The most important part about being a liberal are the stances that we take. The problem you may be facing is that in the beginning, you’re not quite sure what you’re supposed to believe. That’s understandable. If Obama didn’t have the messages of Jeremiah Wright to guide him do you think he would know what to believe either? Of course not, that is why in the first lesson we will tackle the issues that you must passionately argue for.

You may find yourself arguing over the topics but you have to realize that everything you currently believe is wrong. You have to come to the conclusion that the things you were taught at church and high school are more then likely incorrect–unless we’re talking about science class or sex ed. The first step in being a liberal is to believe foolish but promising ideas. Once you get that through you’re thick skull you’ll be on the right foot to being a professional liberal zombie.

Lesson #2: How to Blame Bush for Absolutely Everything

Now that you understand how to think like a liberal you are going to move onto the more important part of being a liberal in this day and age. Bush has been in office for the past eight years right? Well, that means that absolutely everything that happens can be blamed on him because he is the president and the president controls the weather, temperature and rotation of the earth. The blame doesn’t have to end with politics, as a liberal, you are urged to blame Bush on a much wider horizon of issues.


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Other than that, in this lesson you will learn how to utilize your hate for Bush into the next 100 years to oust the Republican party out of office. Is it the year 2235? It doesn’t matter! Remind people that Bush hates black people, caused Katrina and owns every single oil company in the world and in no time the Democrats will be back in power! Remember, ABB (Anybody but Bush) didn’t work while he was in office so it’s bound to work when he’s not. Once you have mastered this method of blaming anyone but yourself you will be capable of swaying the masses to vote for your chosen messiah.

Lesson #3: Christians, Southerners and Other Rednecks; Knowing Your Enemies

Since the beginning of the United States there has been bible thumpers telling us how to pray, live and have sex. I say no more! It’s time for us non-religious and pretend religious folks to take control of this country. That is why in this lesson I am going to teach you about your sworn enemies and how to detect their presence. Crosses aren’t the only symbol of a Conservative so you need to know all of the symbols so that there is never a chance that you will be told about Jesus or NASCAR.

Without this lesson there is no reason to be a liberal. You’re main mission as a liberal is to burn as many crosses as you can. Along with the ACLU and Supreme Court you will battle against religious freedoms and learn how we can take our country back even though it was never ours to begin with. For protection during this lesson I suggest buying thirty copies of Lord Darwin’s The Origin of Species so that you’re mind is not consumed by the Christian perception of “God.”

Lesson #4: The Ten Commandments of Liberalism

You know those ten commandment things that those Darwin haters are always talking about? Don’t covet your wife’s chicken sandwich or something like that? It’s time for the world to whimper at the greatness that is the Ten Commandments of Liberalism. Without these basic laws the middle class as we know it would not exist. Al Gore wouldn’t be a saint and Obama wouldn’t be the chosen one.

If you come to only one session of lessons on liberalism this is the one you should make time for. These ten simple rules will change your entire perception on life. I urge you to study them with your entire mind and soul. Place them on your bathroom mirror so that when you brush your teeth with recycled water you can be reminded of these truths. Keep a copy taped somewhere near your toilet paper holder so that when you grab 1/4 of a sheet you can take a moment to ponder on these glorious decrees. Whatever you do, show up to class this day. You won’t regret it.

Lesson #5: Lesson Wrap Up: Putting You’re New Found Wisdom Into Effect

You’ve learned a lot this week. I have to say that I am sad to see things come to and end but I can only teach you so much. This lesson will teach you how to use your new found wisdom in the real world. You may want to sue a school for allowing prayer, you may want to run for office so that you can make guns illegal, whatever your calling becomes, these foundations of truth will guide you.

At this point you are ready to take the world by storm. There’s very little you don’t know. If it wasn’t for me Al Gore wouldn’t be as famous as he is. That’s right, I taught Al Gore how to invent the internet and save the world from cow flatulence. Knowing this fact you have to be very excited about this next week’s lessons. I urge you to come by each day, subscribe to the rss feed for easy access or subscribe by email so that you will get the most important lessons of your life delivered automatically.

I hope to see you all in class tomorrow. I can’t tell you enough how important it is to learn about liberalism. The time couldn’t be better for you to learn how to pretend to care about the world. Our lord and savior Obama is counting on you so don’t screw it up. You are dismissed, have a great and prosperous day in the name of our father Darwin, save a tree.

Remember, spread the word and get imaginary cookies.

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Related Posts

• Putting Your New Found Wisdom Into Effect
• Knowing Your Enemies
• How to Blame Bush for Everything
• The Foundations of Liberalism
• Lessons in Liberalism