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You are currently reading lesson #1 in a series of posts titled “Lessons in Liberalism.” You can also View the others: Orientation, #1, #2, #3, #4, #5.

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Every faith has it’s foundation. Liberalism is no different. Christians have the bible to guide them, Muslims have the Qu’ran and liberals have the writings of Darwin, Marx and the prophetic teachings of Al Gore. There seems to be a false pretense that says liberals aren’t the religious type. I tend to believe otherwise, liberals are some of the most religious people in politics today. It’s not about God or Jesus; for liberals it’s all about money and greed. The system of beliefs of liberalism aren’t hard to recognize, they’re even easier to be deceived by, let’s take a look at that system shall we?

God who art no Where to be Found

Belief in God requires strong moral values and the respect for life in general, that’s too much work, that’s why as a liberal you should only believe in God when it benefits you. For example, if you’re speaking to a crowd of Christians about freedom of religion you wouldn’t want to reveal that you see God as something only the bitter and gun clingers believe in. On the other hand, if you’re talking to a bunch of standard liberal hippies you are required to talk about God in the liberal sense, as trees for example, anything else would be very confusing for the audience to understand. Therefore, you’re god is not the Christian God, your god is material things, like trees and hybrid cars.

Your god is yourself

The liberal god is the liberal themselves. You must put your priorities first. There is not time for prayer, no time for tithing, absolutely no time for your conscious to get in the way. It’s completely acceptable to be a Christian as long as you don’t practice what they preach. Obama our lord and savior has shown all liberals the perfect balance of religion and self absorption. Not only did he attend a church for twenty years being taught false Christian messages his pastor was a man of honor. Find yourself a man like Jeremiah Wright to teach you the ways of America–such as the fact that the white devil created aids–that will guide your through your life as a liberal.

The Environment is our Holiest of Temples

The world we live in was magically created by absolutely no one for absolutely no reason 4,000 billion years ago and it’s our duty to protect it and allow evolution to continue uninterrupted so that when the next stage is presented to us we can get some freakin’ sweet wings to fly around with. It’s true. The reason we love trees so much isn’t because we like to breath air–it’s because they will one day be our houses. Once we throw out all of our earthly possession such as light bulbs and plastic, we will be ready for our final transformation into super awesome flying humans. Gore is doing the great work that is needed to clear the way to our destiny. We must not lose sight of this goal, if we do we’ll have to believe in Jesus or something because if we don’t live in trees we’ll drown the next time Bush decides to break a levy.

How to worship

This is important because our precious earth is a jealous earth and we must present our greatest gifts unto it or it will kill us with volcanoes. If you’ve ever been to one of those churches that preach about Jesus and NASCAR you surely remember being asked to give money. For those in the state of California without churches this is called a tithe. The standard Christian tithe only asks for 10% of your income, a liberal tithe to the earth is 85%. Our tithe can be paid for in the form of carbon credits or in checks to pay off Hillary “Judas” Clinton’s campaign debt. I know, you are wondering why we’d pay for a traitors debt. But we must follow the great advice of Obama our lord and savior no matter how we feel about it.


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The Issues and Where You’re Supposed to Stand on Them

Abortion

Abortion is one of those issues that as a liberal is essential to our cause. I’m not quite sure why we hate babies so much but I get the idea that babies are annoying and if we can avoid crying and poopy diapers we should do everything we can to do so. To understand the reason we support abortion you have to realize that there is always a chance someone can become a conservative. There is probably a 50% chance that any given baby will morph into a teenager that ends up going to church one day and become a Christian. Once he has found God he is bound to become a conservative. Therefore, just to be safe, we support the murder of all fetuses. That way, there’s a 100% chance that they won’t become a conservative.

You may find yourself in an argument with a conservative about abortion. The best way to win these conversations is to say that it’s a choice. Funny I know, what kind of salad dressing you want is a decision, killing a child you willingly formed by having sex isn’t a choice. I don’t want you to be discouraged by the fact. Just tell them that you want abortion to be safe and legal, that you want it just in case of incest or for health reasons–they don’t necessarily know that those reasons only account for less than 1% of abortions. Remember: A liberal is only a liberal if the are inadequately educated about issues such as these.

Social Services and Health Care

There are a lot of poor people in the United States right? It’s also important to realize that the top 25% of income earners in America pay over 85% of the country’s taxes. This means a large majority of America pays very little taxes. This is genius because you can promote as many socialist programs as you want. The cost doesn’t matter to poor people because they aren’t the ones that have to pay for it all. The idea is to appeal to the lazy side of the poor person. Let them know that you will make sure they are paid $25 an hour to work a cash register, call it a “living wage,” and you’ll also pay for housing, their housing bills, car insurance and send their children to college. Tell them that you’ll tax the evil oil companies to cover the costs or take it from Bill Gates and ta da, you have a winning campaign issue.

Health care is a whole other issue. Giving it just to the poor isn’t good enough. We must make sure that every human being is covered which includes people like Ted Turner. There is no way that Americans should have to pay for their own well being. We must find a way to also include illegal aliens. It doesn’t matter that their here illegally. There is always a chance that they will steal someone’s identity to vote so it’s better to have them on our side. The government is so efficient at what it does that we must put everything into their control. Once America has completely free health care we will be one step closer to the perfect America in the likeness of countries such a Cuba and Iraq in it’s Saddam years.

Wealth Redistribution

Some people are lucky. They work hard, succeed in life and make a lot of money. It’s not fair. There are some people out there who don’t work hard that should have their money. The simple reality is that some people aren’t cut out to be millionaires. Socialist programs aren’t enough anymore. As a liberal your ultimate goal is for every single person to be equal to the next. Lady John Edwards had been sending the message that two America’s are bad. I am here to reiterate that fact and to declare that one America is confusing enough. This means that all funds should be seized from the wealthy, handed over to Robin Hood and given the poor. Whatever Disney does with this fantasy is up to them.

Tax the Rich

This is an extension of the last mission and is also in line with why we believe in socialist programs. The only people who like the rich are the rich. This gives us the opportunity to appeal to the millions of people who aren’t rich. Poor people tend to be stupid so it’s very easy to tell them what to believe. Any person with a brain understand that the wealthy are the ones that run businesses and therefor create jobs which means taxing them hurts job creation. I think you’ve caught on by now. Liberalism is all about power. We don’t care if we hurt the economy by taxing the people that power the country. We have a self indulged obsession with ourselves and only want to run the country. Power to the people we say! Don’t be stupid, power to ourselves and our wicked desires.

Taxes can be considered the root of our evils. Without taxes we couldn’t legally take money from the rich which is the only way we can fund our socialist programs. It’s simple, the more we tax the rich the better life will get for those stuck in the other America. Just as a church forces you to hand over your money to build it up higher. The more fortunate citizens of America must be forced to pay for the socialist needs of the Democratic party. The Iraq war is sucking up a lot of the money that we could be using to fund America’s need for cheap living, free health care and welfare in general. It’s time to bring our troops home and put them on government programs.

Stem Cell Research: The Other Abortion

Anyway that we can sustain the lives of people already living must be accomplished. We understand the ethics issue when it comes to embryonic stem cells. The fact that they aren’t alive and complaining about it should be evidence enough that they don’t mind. It’s stupid to think that embryos have anything special growing inside of them. The California condor egg is protected by California law but don’t tell anyone. Besides, we all know that animals are part of nature and nature is far more important than human beings. For the sake of untalented actors everywhere we must store as many embryos as possible. There should be a law enacted that allows the government to randomly take embryos from women so that Michael J Fox can continue his storied career and hopefully make another Back to the Future movie.

There is one little problem with embryonic stem cells that people may start to get wind of. It’s the fact that they have made absolutely no progress with embryonic stem cells in the sense of curing diseases. They have found adult stem cells to be potentially helpful. The fact that no one’s life is taken to get these cells flies in the face of realistic liberalism. If one life isn’t cut short to benefit the other the balance of the earth it self will be thrown off kilter. Darwin would get all mad and start causing people to mutate into frogs. That’s just not cool in my opinion.

Gun Rights

The fact that our founding father’s felt that every man has a right to bear arms means absolutely nothing in today’s society. If we were to take the constitution seriously there would be no room for our corruption of power. The only truth about guns is that the less there are the better. Guns kill people. Forks make Rosie O’Donnell fat. Liberalism takes a strong stand against human rights and freedoms in general. We cannot trust Americans to have guns because they may protect themselves with them. For the government to take complete control over people’s lives one of the first steps is to take away everyone’s rights which starts with gun ownership.

It’s a simple equation. Guns use bullets, bullets kill animals and rednecks eat animals. Where there are rednecks there is NASCAR. I hate NASCAR. This all comes together because as liberals we have a strong disdain for meat and other tasty food. If it isn’t bland or made of soy we don’t want it. For America to become green it has to stop eating red. With all these meat colors clouding the air it will be almost impossible to live Gore’s dream of a green world. We must find a way to stop NRA from using guns and in effect eating animals which eventually causes Global Warming. Global Warming is bad.

War

War has never solved anything. That is why as a Liberal the only type of force that we believe in is none at all. Instead, we would must rather have negotiations. The only problem with people like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is that no one is listening to them. If we simply sat down with these people they are bound to listen to our pleas. This has always worked in the past so there is no reason why we shouldn’t keep trying. The Bush years have cause the American people to believe that we have this inalienable right to protect ourselves from terrorists. That is ridiculous. If we had the chance to sit down with the 9/11 hijackers we could have stopped the tragedy from ever happening by simply telling them we don’t want to die. It’s time to stop these useless wars.

People die fighting in a  war. On top of that American soldiers are dying for absolutely nothing. It is time to tell our enemies when we plan on withdrawing so that they have the opportunity to attack once we leave. It’s imperative that they perceive our retreat as a victory. This is why it is important that we retreat all at once, waving a white flag and screaming “Allah is great!” To make matters worse these soldiers are being forced to go to war! Every single one of them volunteered to be in the army but my sources tell me they were bribed and more times than not drugged. It’s time for peace to reign all across the world and Lord Obama will lead the way.

Global Warming

The earth is melting. We don’t need proof, it’s hot out there isn’t it? That’s all the proof we need. Global Warming is a hoax. Let’s face it. The simple fact that the earth’s temperature has gone up and down over the centuries should be common knowledge but it isn’t. That gives us the ability to take advantage of people. Remember, ignorance is the single greatest tool for Liberals. If we can convince America that the world is heating up because of us–I know, it’s ridiculous–we can start fading out oil. Oil is evil because it makes us sick, coal makes us sick, it’s racist and Bush owns all the oil companies and is making a killing.

The great prophet Gore has taken it upon himself to do the hard work of convincing the world that Global Warming is real. Problems have risen by the fact that Gore is not very green himself. That is why we are such strong believers in carbon credits. We understand that believing in something doesn’t mean you have to put it into action. People are passionate about things. We have found a way to get people to vote for us by picking and choosing topics that will benefit us in the long run. For us to own the Global Warming issue we must take action by eliminating oil, cars and cows. This is our mission, this is our call, don’t screw it up.

Final Thoughts

The world is hurting. Thanks to the evil Bushies America is no longer loved by the world. To get back to the place where we aren’t safe but are at least liked we must move forward as a nation of people who are too afraid to protect themselves. In the mold of Sweden it is our duty to be as neutral and cowardice as possible. With these foundations we can take back control of the White House and give the government to the people who deserve it most, poor people on welfare. Along with these ideals of laziness we must disarm the gun owners, stop Global Warming, feed Al Gore and bring our troops home. We can do it. Thankfully, Obama is the anointed one, otherwise I’m not really sure how this would all work out.

Now go, spread to the world. Make fools, I mean, disciples and let poverty reign in America!

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• The Obama Era and it’s Victims
• Obama The Tax Man
• The Economic Case Against Obama
• Will Clinton be Obama’s VP?

Tags:  Barack Obama Economy Global Warming Hillary Clinton Iraq War Lessons in Liberalism taxes Welfare