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You are currently reading lesson #3 in the series of articles “Lessons in Liberalism.” View the others: Orientation, #1, #2, #3, #4, #5.

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To Beat Them You Must First Know Them

Meeting a conservative is not the easiest thing to do. I actually suggest avoiding the need to meet them all together. The last thing you want is to take the chance that they will have a conversation with you. Once they start talking you may succumb to their evil desires. Nobody wants to be stuck talking to a disciple of the Super Devil. Your best option is to watch Fox News or NASCAR to study the oddity that is a right winger.

NASCAR may not be your best option either. If you don’t fall into a deep sleep first you may experience hemorrhaging of the brain. Have you ever seen a man’s head explode due to a rush of oxygen to the brain caused by the NASCAR virus? It isn’t pretty, you’re family will have to have a closed casket funeral because you will no longer have a head.

Fox News is a little more manageable but that’s like saying having a bull kick you in the face instead of you groin is better. You’re going to need to have lots of alcohol available before you sit down to watch Fox. A feeling of intense depression caused by the lack of liberal bias is common while watching Fox. The basic rule is that for every five minutes of Fox you should drink three-to-four alcoholic beverages. Once you have your supplies prepared get ready to step into hell on Earth.

Your last and most uncomfortable option is to head down to a church on Sunday morning. I’m not talking about those fake churches. You know, the kind that Obama goes to. You are going to need a non-denominational church that includes sessions of worship where people sing to an imaginary being. This is where the conservative is most likely to open up to you about their true intentions; making Jesus king of the world!!!

How to Identify Different Types of Conservatives

You will find is difficult at times to tell the difference between the different types of conservatives. The reason behind the similarities is caused by the NASCAR disease that dwells inside the brain cells of each kind of conservative. The virus takes different forms depending on the personality of the infected. Do not get discouraged by this difficulty. With a little practice you will know each type and what their weakness is.

Christians

The most dangerous types of conservative are those that are Christians. This is the worse of the species because every one of the other types tend to be Christians as well. Christianity is also the most contagious of the branches of conservatism. You may be invited to a church service by a friend and you go because you want to be nice. The next thing you know you’re dancing in the isles, giving away your money and helping the needy. Be careful out there it’s a dangerous world!

Christians can be identified by their large gold cross necklaces, coffee table bibles and obnoxious preaching. Most of them drive cars with styled with a magnetic fish and no less than five bumper stickers. You’re more than likely to find these people roaming around your local Wal-Mart if you are looking to spy on their activities. Look from a distance but don’t get too close. The last think you want is to lock eyes with a soul eating Christian.

A large part of being a liberal means that you have to become everything for everyone. Plenty of liberals have been successful in pretending to be God fearing people. If you become comfortable with the idea of hanging out with these barbarians it is suggested that you pretend to be a Christian yourself. Most Americans consider themselves Christians and it is important to act like we care about these people so we can steal their votes.

Southerners

There’s a lot of speculation surrounding the reasons why the south is contaminated so badly with the NASCAR virus. Scientists speculate that the NASCAR virus originated in the land of Florida. This would explain the rapid spread of the virus among it’s less intelligence inhabitants. Southerners also tend to be Christians but when a southerner evolves into a Christian they tend to be more vicious than their northern brethren.

Southerners are the easiest conservatives to spot because of the foul smell that ascends from them. Lacking a formidable education, this type of conservative easy to confuse and even easier to avoid. Even though southerners live in a part of the US they tend to believe it is still the 1860’s and see themselves part of the confederacy. Do not bring up this in conversation. All southerners carry large rifles and aren’t afraid to use them.

Some more advanced southerners have learned to travel away from the south and can often be seen in the usually liberal safe states. If the southerner has somehow acquired a vehicle, more than likely by stealing one, the sound of country music will be heard from inside the cars. Country music is the artistic expression of southerners and many Christians. If you are not sure what a country song sound like, try to hear what they are singing about, if it is discussing alcohol or being an America it is more than likely a country song.

The Hybrid

There will be a point in your liberal training where you encounter a hybrid. These are the most dangerous of conservatives because you don’t know when they’re going to turn on you. They’ll be agreeing with you on taxation one minute and overturning Roe v. Wade the next! These conservatives aren’t always accepting by the others and therefore they fit rather nicely with the next. You may hear these individuals being describes as moderates.

The moderate conservative is nothing to take likely. They may seem docile and sedated on the outside but there is a beast dwelling within them waiting to be released. The problem with describing these people is that they go from the McCain to the Lieberman. They are so diverse that it is absolutely impossible to discover their motives. They call themselves “Mavericks” and thrive on crossing party lines just to find a middle ground. Their specialty is collaborating with the other party to undermine their own party’s priorities for the sake of diplomacy. This is great when it’s a conservative doing it but they can turn their back on you any moment. For example: when they are running for president.

Final Words

There’s going to be a time where you have to deal with a conservative. You may work with one, bump into one at a store or–heaven forbid you’re stuck in the south–you may live near one. Conservatives aren’t the type to be afraid of. They tend to be happy people who are happy with what they believe. They don’t have to live with the fact that they support abortions, they are free to worship and their entire lives aren’t lies. You may even be jealous of them, but don’t, happiness is nothing to covet.

You’re main fear should be contracting the NASCAR virus. There is no way to get rid of this virus and one you are infected there is no way to get rid of it. You’ll be wearing “Jesus is Xtreme” t-shirts and carrying a four-pound bible in no time. Be prepared to run to shelter if your eyes start to tear up or your knees begin to buckle. If you think you have contracted the disease quickly find a grocery store, eat three pounds of garlic and quickly begin to read “An Inconvenient Truth” until you pass out from fear. There’s no perfect way to avoid the virus. I wish you luck.

On a Serious Note

I want to finish this article by ending on a serious note. I’ve been very happy to see the positive response from this series of articles. Those on the left have been arguing with me left and right about topics discussed in these articles and it’s no surprise that they miss the point. The intelligent ones in the audience will be able to decipher what is truth and what is satire.

I’m trying to get a laugh out of everyone and it seems to be working. The left has always painted the conservative movement as a bunch of radicals that worship Jesus and love NASCAR. That’s the point; I’m simply turning the tables by showing what I’m sure a lot of liberals believe about us. It’s also been entertaining to make up these stories. Take care and laugh a little. It’s good for you.

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Tags:  Christianity Conservatism Lessons in Liberalism