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You are currently reading lesson #5 in the series of articles “Lessons in Liberalism.” View the others: Orientation, #1, #2, #3, #4, #5.

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Congratulations

You have learned a lot. From a know-nothing to a first class liberal in just a few lessons. I have to say that I am sad to see things come to an end but I can only teach you so much. Now that you know the truths about liberalism you can use your new found wisdom in the real world. You may want to sue a school for allowing prayer, you may want to run for office so that you can make guns illegal, whatever your calling becomes, these foundations of truth will guide you.

There have been a lot of people criticizing my lessons. They act like I am making this all up or something. Even the craziest of ideas are often based on truth. I want you to take these articles for what they are. They are truth, they are lies, but they are all very funny. Humor is the ticket people. It doesn’t have to be true if it is funny. Michael Moore is proof of that, except, he’s not funny, just ignorant. So I guess he’s not proof.

Taking These Truths Mainstream

If you watch MSNBC you are bound to find a few of my disciples. They may act like they’ve never heard of me. They may claim to not have been in my courses but don’t listen to them. Keith Olbermann spent three years under my guidance. The anger, the—I’m as dumb as I sound—was taught by me. Without me he is nothing! I just wish he would give me the credit I deserve.

If you are a liberal you already have an advantage when it comes to breaking into television. Fox News may have standards but networks like CNN don’t require degrees or journalistic ability. Tell them you hate Bush or that you will sue them for being racist. You’ll have a show in no time. The trick is to forget about fair and balanced coverage. Even if the story seems improbable you have to go for it. It never hurts; Dan Rather can vouch on that truth.

Talk Radio

Talk radio is a completely different story. The liberal movement has been unable to defeat this medium. Rush Limbaugh is the single most threatening American to our cause since Ronald Reagan. The conservative movement has been tuning into Rush for two decades and it’s time to fight back. Freedom of speech is tricky. We want to be allowed to talk louder and more frequently than everyone else but we can’t seem to find a way to silence conservatives specifically when it comes to talk radio. We have found a solution.

Fairness Doctrine

The Fairness Doctrine aims to force conservative talk radio into allowing us to speak on their shows. We can’t build our own listener base so we have to take advantage of theirs. The complete failure of Air America has left us with little choice in this fight. The best solution that we could find was to resurrect a defunct policy that restricts the freedom of speech of conservatives.

The proof of the intentions of the Fairness Doctrine is represented in a comment from Democratic campaign consultant Bill Ruder.

“Our massive strategy was to use the Fairness Doctrine to challenge and harass right-wing broadcasters and hope the challenges would be so costly to them that they would be inhibited and decide it was too expensive to continue.”

–Bill Ruder, Democratic campaign consultant and Assistant Secretary of Commerce, Kennedy Administration.

Before we can take over talk radio we have to it with our own opinions. It is not fair for an individual to knowingly tune into a specific show to only hear blatant conservative bias. People do not understand that they are choosing to hear only one opinion. This is why we must reinstate the Fairness Doctrine and begin the unraveling of conservative’s like Limbaugh.

Wrap Up

It’s time to break character. You have learned the basics of liberalism and I am very proud of you. To the liberals that don’t get it, learn to laugh at yourself. After all, we laugh at you all of the time. We can’t help it if you’re such an easy target. The fact that so many liberals have been complaining on my blog about this series proves that they know this is based on facts and that scares them.

I often talk to liberals and I usually leave confused. Their ideas border on insanity and more likely than not are based in lies and conspiracy theories. If you read these articles and they made you think about the ridiculous things conservatives get blamed for than I have succeeded. It’s time to turn the tables on the liberal machine. They get to have all the fun. They are the ones that get to lie and get away with it. We can hardly ever tell the truth and get away with it.

How to use This Guide

Nothing will anger a liberal more than making fun of them. For people like you and me it’s ridiculous to believe that abortion is a choice. That is the idea behind the Ten Commands of Liberalism. It takes what they actually believe and presents it in a form that allows you to realize how insane they are. You can’t punish a murderer with the crime he deserves but you can kill an innocent child because you’re too horny to stop sleeping around? Prayer is offensive to the one person in the room that doesn’t believe in God so to protect his freedom you take away the person praying’s right to practice their freedom of religion and speech?

Laugh at them. You know that the idea of President Bush planning the 9/11 attacks is absurd. That doesn’t stop so many people from studying videos and pointing to a dot as if it were proof. They actually believe the planes never hit the buildings. An explosion did it! How to Blame Bush for Everything is a testament on how the Democratic Party works. Everything that goes wrong is Bush’s fault. Thirty years from now they will still be blaming Bush. Some even say Bush was responsible for the levees breaking in New Orleans. Ridiculous I know!

I welcome you to use my satire to your advantage. Sometimes a debate is pointless. The liberal won’t admit that the richest people in America pay most of the taxes so why bother proving to them otherwise? You might as well agree with them and tell them that you want free health care for Bill Gates. While you’re at it tell them you’re starting a lemonade stand style abortion Clinic. Only 5¢ a pop! What? insensitive you say?

Humor will take you Far

If there’s one thing that I hope you have learned it’s that humor is key to dealing with liberals. The only people commenting on my blog negatively have been liberals. They search through the thousand word article and find a spelling error. “Dude, you spelled antidisestablishmentarianism wrong.” Don’t argue with me if that’s all you have to say. For people like that you should turn to humor. They do it to us all the time. It’s time to turn the tables.

And Finally..

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read these articles. The pot has been stirred and thanks to the interest my site’s stats have continued to rise these past couple weeks. I started these articles with the hope of making a few people laugh and making the rest angry. I think I’ve succeeded. I look forward to teaching you more about liberalism. As long as you are reading I will continue to write.

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Tags:  Conservatism Lessons in Liberalism Liberalism