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What’s up my homies? It’s your friendly liberal James Hopemonger here to teach the conservative freaks out there how to live like a liberal and love mother earth. I know it’s silly, writing these truths on a blog called “The Daily Conservative” but being a fake personality I have no other place to go. I will speak my green peace truth wherever I am able to. With that I present to you 10 Steps to Being a Perfect Liberal.

1. If you are a male: find your manhood and remove them.
2. If you are a female: find your ovaries and remove them.
3. Put your complete trust in the government.
4. Speak of change. When the time comes do nothing.
5. Realize that the constitution is just some guide lines that aren’t necessarily rules.
6. Believe in the chosen ones mentor and spiritual leader for 20 years. “The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing ‘God Bless America.’ No, no, no, God damn America, that’s in the Bible for killing innocent people, God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God and she is supreme.”
7. Demean our soldiers, prop up our enemies and speak against their mission.
8. Steal from the rich and give to the poor. Wear tights if you must.
9. It’s not the size of the government that counts but the amount of money you pour into it.
10. Finally, quit your job, beg for government financial support, don’t bathe, wear tie dye t-shirts, smoke marijuana, hate George Bush, Hate America, Love Cuba, worship Hollywood and get angry about satirical articles because you’re so sensitive.

That is all my friends. I have shared these truths with a heavy heart. Not because I fear their truthiness, not because I am so stoned I can’t see straight but because I can’t remember what I was writing about. The purpose of all I do is to help Obama get into office. I will say whatever I have to to get my fellow friend and ally into office. This is the only way I can avoid getting a job and continue to live off of welfare. Praise Obama!

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Tags:  Barack Obama Liberalism